Winona Loves to Steal: L-O-V-E

So Winona Ryder does stuff right?
Sure she does!! She’s starred in “A Scanner Darkly”, “The Darwin Awards”, and has about 6 movies in post and pre-production. Not bad…

So… why does she still feel the need to shoplift?

Maybe she’s tired of shopping for bras that don’t fit, maybe a higher power came down from the mountain and told her that theft would get her into heaven, or maybe its just those voices in her head… maybe it was Tom Cruise. Any thing is possible.

Seems to me however, that Winona-bear just can’t fight that feeling anymore, and the urge to shoplift has just become that nervous ‘tick’- knee-jerk response to shopping.

And who could blame her. I remember… back in the day, how fun it was to try and swipe a pack of gum from the local 7-Eleven… but then again, I was 13, and really just hanging out with the wrong crowd. So what’s Winona’s excuse?

According to The Superficial:

“Security stopped the shopper, who turned out to be none other than Winona Ryder! She showed the guard her receipt and he proceeded to check her bag. There were a couple of makeup items that were not paid for. Wide-eyed Winona said “I don’t know how that happened” and she quickly paid for the makeup before braving the exit once again. “

Well, one thing is for certain, Malls in the United States better start sprucing up their Security, cuz it sounds to me like we’ve got a criminal mastermind on the loose. And it’s a good thing. Way to stick it to THE MAN Winona… you rich n’ famous have things pretty hard in the real world… not.

I can’t believe that Johnny Depp and Matt Damon used to date this nut case…. but then again… who in Hollywood HASN’T dated her?? (It’s one of the 8 wonders of the world really, and Scientists are still feverishly looking for the answer).

Put THAT in your Pipe, and DON’T Smoke it!!!

Well, so much for building a hobbit house in the side of the mountain and smoking myself into oblivion.

Yep.. hippies unite, cuz your bread and butter has just taken a huge hit from Science Town

No no no… not the kind of hit you can get from a really dirty old hookah pipe, a real hit… one you’d expect to receive after you nooged all over the hookah.

According to New Scientist:

“Smoking cannabis regularly can lead to gum disease in people in their early thirties – much younger than generally expected. Lifestyle factors associated with the condition are also linked to chronic diseases later in life, and some argue that gum disease itself may contribute to cardiovascular disease directly.

A quarter of people who had smoked cannabis regularly from 18 to 32 years old had established gum disease, found the study led by Murray Thomson at the Dunedin School of Dentistry in New Zealand.

In 2007, the same team showed that smoking tobacco also significantly raises the risk of gum disease in young people”

Well, we all knew it was just a matter of time before the powers that be decided to wreak havoc on the weak-ass hippy stoners. I’m inclined to believe it’s all a big conspiracy. Think about it, it really has little to do with Science at all. I mean, we all know that the Dentists at the Dunedin School of Dentistry are really just government spies, working out plots to keep marijuana illegal. hah. It all dates back to racist tension in the U.S. over the influx of Mexican-Americans in the 1900s.
Read it!

However, I’m always more inclined to blame Tom Cruise and Scientology for everything, it’s way more logical, and way more fun.

You’ll also see that the history of marijuana’s criminalization is filled with:

• Racism
• Fear
• Protection of Corporate Profits
• Yellow Journalism
• Ignorant, Incompetent, and/or Corrupt Legislators
• Personal Career Advancement and Greed

Yep… sounds like Scientology to me!

Well kids, smoke your reefer, and clean your pipe, but for God’s sake, don’t forget to floss.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go smoke some cannabis with some of my fellow homo-sapiens and discuss the ethics of quantum physics.

Tom Cruise, Your Mothership has arrived

Since all the news these days seems to center around the mental instability of Britney Spears, or Sarah Silverman f*#&ing Matt Damon, I thought I’d focus on something a little more realistic. Like intercity space travel, for instance.

I myself have not gotten sick of airplanes just yet, but for those who have, here is an exciting alternative… you know, if you have a couple hundred thous$$ to throw at Virgin Galactic:

Space Tourism: (I.e., Tom Cruise’s ticket back to the motherland. He was exiled on July 3rd 1962 after his birth caused an outbreak of postpartum depression (PPD) in over 20 alien mothers–he has since denied the existence of PPD) However, more formally, Space Tourism is the new promotion Virgin Galactic is potentially offering to future customers. The company announced last week that it’s first tourist space vehicle would also be able to launch satellites and make super-fast intercity trips.

According to New Scientist:

“From next year, Virgin plans to run $200,000-a-time flights from a spaceport in New Mexico. The launch vehicle is WhiteKnightTwo, a four-engine jet aircraft. It has two fuselages joined by a wing that supports a rocket called SpaceShipTwo. At an altitude of 52,000 feet (16 kilometres), the rocket will separate, taking the tourists to an altitude of 140 kilometres for 5 minutes of weightlessness and spectacular views of the Earth.

So far Virgin Galactic has banked $30 million in bookings. But four years ago, when design began, the company had been unsure of demand, so it gave the vehicles extra capacity.”

Personally, I like it that we’re finally creating an outlet for ALL the Scientologists to flee their Earthly realm (starting with Posh Spice, who JUST quit the Spice Girls so she could go pack–that should take about 5 years, roughly).

Scientologists should actually be thanking Virgin Galactic, now they don’t have to waste all that valuable energy levitating their way to outer space, as they had originally planned. This way they can finally focus on more important things, like poisoning the youth of America, for instance.
Although… Tom Cruise IS well-known for playing the sexually frustrated, homosexual aviator “Maverick” in Top Gun… he probably knows how to fly a Space Craft by now… (aka: operate a stick shaft… I mean… ‘shift’.). Don’t they teach that in intro Scientology classes anyway? (aka: extremely interactive, professional couching jumping and squinting classes).

Pictured: Movie Star who only uses 2 facial expressions in every movie he’s in:

‘Smiling’ and ‘not smiling’