Archive for the Celebrities Category

Billy Corgan Wants to Ruin Your LIfe

Posted in Celebrities, Music with tags , , , , , on March 10, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Up until yesterday I’d thought it was safe to assume Billy Corgan had done away with his singing career and had thus cryogenically frozen his body to be thawed at a time when people don’t actually like music, and are instead obsessed with arrogant, exhausting pricks that don’t know when to shut the hell up….

But, my cuckoo dreams of frozen rockstars have led me astray once again because Billy is back… and with an insane proposition, at best:

So hey, let’s just jump back in time a bit here…

Anyone remember when the Smashing Pumpkins were awesome?  Remember when Billy was the exalted, quintessential frontman of the 90s?  Remember when Billy wasn’t bald and albino, and way too high on himself? Remember when The Pumpkins didn’t make your ears feel like a bag of smashed assholes?  Think waaaaaay back? Got it!?  yah…

Now, let’s talk about that pale bald guy that just can’t keep his band together…
It’s a heart-wrenching tale, cuz for Billy Corgan, it just keeps happening again and again and again; except THIS TIME Billy is turning to YOU, oh devoted fan(s), to join his charade and mend his broken band.

Soooo, the daunting question on board is….wana be a part of a has-been rock band that will probably never amount to much more than small gigs in dark, hole-in-the-wall bars?…. well, if that’s your calling, then here’s your chance to be a steward for Billy Corgan’s moonstruck agenda!

Send your vids and demos here, if you dare: or by March 31st.

In all fairness, I don’t really think Corgan’s narcissism is to blame for the latest member of his band flying the coop.  In fact, bassist Ginger Reyes claims that.. “Although (she’s) been blessed beyond belief over the past few years through playing with the Pumpkins , (her) priority now is to keep (her) little family unit together, which includes (her) husband and baby.”

Perhaps that’s just code for “I can’t deal with this dude’s ego any more!”, BUT, who’s to say, despite maybe The Mentalist??

In truth, for ANY aspiring musician this could be a really EXCELLENT opportunity, even if it may promise to break you psychologically over an extended period of time.  MY advice?  Don’t quit your day job.


Tron Legacy: Daft Punk recording tracks for “The Dude”

Posted in Celebrities, Current Events, Cyberspace, Movies, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Sick of dressing up like a robot every weekend and running through large crowds of people trying to freak them out? Well, stop a pedestrian and ask them to press the ‘cool down’ button on your control panel cuz you’re all getting what you want for Christmas this year: TRON Legacy!

Yep, it’s been a long time since that groundbreaking day in 1982, but TRON will be back making it’s return to theaters December 17th, 2010..  While December may seem like far too long for any hardcore cult movie superfan, tech-geek, gamer, or Jeff Bridges fanatic to have to wait, it’ll be here faster than that Mathlete you hired to find the square root of your apartment.

As for those of you who risked your lives this weekend braving theaters to see Disney’s imaginative and dark 3D blockbuster Alice in Wonderland, you probably had to get up and wipe your seat a couple times after the preview reel unveiled a special TRON Legacy sneak peak!
Yes, fortunately for TRON junkies, it seems that Disney has answered all your secret prayers.
Properly acknowledging that TRON 2.0– the first person shooter game included in the 2003 20th Anniversary Edition of the original-was hardly enough to pass muster with die-hard fans, Disney has thus collaborated with titan screenwriters Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis (LOST) for TRON Legacy to give devotees the kind of sequel pizzaz they’re looking for!

In fact, Disney Digital 3D seems to have some pretty groovy projects stuffed up their sleeves as of late, and if they can pull it off, TRON Legacy could very well be at the pinnacle of all that hullabaloo.  So, if you’re even half as nerdy as I am, you best hold onto your bike helmet and strap on your knee and elbow pads, cuz not only is everyone’s favorite Dude– Jeff Bridges -going to abide and give you a violent mindgasm, but if you like the sound of sexy robots mating, then French electronic super-duo Daft Punk will also be composing 24 titillating tracks for the film’s musical score… just one more reason not to sack France.

Don’t like the sound of Digital Love? Well, then TRON also has the extremely aesthetically charming Olivia Wilde !!  That girl’s face is enough to sink a fleet of ships, and I’m pretty sure watching her overcome the trials and tribulations of cyberspace will be a nice change for those of you who are accustomed to looking up pictures of her online with a convenient stash of kleenex, lubricant and warming massage oils on your desktop…

As for me… I’m guna be counting down the days to December 17th with robotic control.
All I ask of Disney is PLEASE include a scene in which a flock of birds get sucked into the lightcycle engines. Yeeeah, it doesn’t make any sense, but here’s hoping they’re endangered….

Charlie Sheen Gets All the Babes

Posted in Celebrities with tags , , , , , , , on March 1, 2010 by attemptedmustache

So…. when you thought Tommy Lee and Pam were the only ones spreading Hep C to all the C-List, wannabe, has-been Hollywood celebrities, think again.  Charlie Sheen is a catch, ladies and gentlemen, and if his 10 million broken marriages, crack-cocaine addiction, hooker fetish and 20 totaled vehicles lying in the depths of various ravines in the surrounding Los Angelos area aren’t enough of an indicator, well, then I’m not Miles Davis.

Okay, so I don’t know much about Charlie’s sexual prowess, or whether he has Hep C or not- I haven’t given him his monthy swab treatment for a couple years now, not since I broke out in a full body rash after the last one anyways.   However, I am willing to wage my one remaining good ovary on the charge that he is a high candidate for venereal disease, scabbies, or worms that he likely acquired from having sex with dead animals in dark alleys next to large metal dumpsters filled with dead baby fetuses.

But, all this aside, what any rational human could divulge from his rap-sheet of misdemeanors and social missteps is that that any woman that would date this shining example of a human being is definitely a lady of divine providence (*cough* lady of the night *cough*).  Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of woman that would date such a man, and I’ve decided that aside from the obvious.. Courtney Love… well, they must have to be a masochist of some extreme variety.

Basically, the kind of woman that likes a “Charlie Sheen” is the kind of woman that likes molten hot spare change and razor blades thrown at her exposed lady bits while she does a naked yoga stretch to Ace of Base’s “I Saw The Sign” at 400am after a night of binge drinking.  I just don’t get how this guy gets laid… other than the obvious ‘pay for it’ through Heidi Fleiss solution…

I guess the moral of the story goes… to all you ladies looking for a shitty man with a bad attitude and a zest for ruining his life and the lives of those around him, don’t go for Charlie Sheen, for god’s sake, just marry a dentist or something.

Winona Loves to Steal: L-O-V-E

Posted in Celebrities with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2008 by attemptedmustache

So Winona Ryder does stuff right?
Sure she does!! She’s starred in “A Scanner Darkly”, “The Darwin Awards”, and has about 6 movies in post and pre-production. Not bad…

So… why does she still feel the need to shoplift?

Maybe she’s tired of shopping for bras that don’t fit, maybe a higher power came down from the mountain and told her that theft would get her into heaven, or maybe its just those voices in her head… maybe it was Tom Cruise. Any thing is possible.

Seems to me however, that Winona-bear just can’t fight that feeling anymore, and the urge to shoplift has just become that nervous ‘tick’- knee-jerk response to shopping.

And who could blame her. I remember… back in the day, how fun it was to try and swipe a pack of gum from the local 7-Eleven… but then again, I was 13, and really just hanging out with the wrong crowd. So what’s Winona’s excuse?

According to The Superficial:

“Security stopped the shopper, who turned out to be none other than Winona Ryder! She showed the guard her receipt and he proceeded to check her bag. There were a couple of makeup items that were not paid for. Wide-eyed Winona said “I don’t know how that happened” and she quickly paid for the makeup before braving the exit once again. “

Well, one thing is for certain, Malls in the United States better start sprucing up their Security, cuz it sounds to me like we’ve got a criminal mastermind on the loose. And it’s a good thing. Way to stick it to THE MAN Winona… you rich n’ famous have things pretty hard in the real world… not.

I can’t believe that Johnny Depp and Matt Damon used to date this nut case…. but then again… who in Hollywood HASN’T dated her?? (It’s one of the 8 wonders of the world really, and Scientists are still feverishly looking for the answer).