Billy Corgan Wants to Ruin Your LIfe

Posted in Celebrities, Music with tags , , , , , on March 10, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Up until yesterday I’d thought it was safe to assume Billy Corgan had done away with his singing career and had thus cryogenically frozen his body to be thawed at a time when people don’t actually like music, and are instead obsessed with arrogant, exhausting pricks that don’t know when to shut the hell up….

But, my cuckoo dreams of frozen rockstars have led me astray once again because Billy is back… and with an insane proposition, at best:

So hey, let’s just jump back in time a bit here…

Anyone remember when the Smashing Pumpkins were awesome?  Remember when Billy was the exalted, quintessential frontman of the 90s?  Remember when Billy wasn’t bald and albino, and way too high on himself? Remember when The Pumpkins didn’t make your ears feel like a bag of smashed assholes?  Think waaaaaay back? Got it!?  yah…

Now, let’s talk about that pale bald guy that just can’t keep his band together…
It’s a heart-wrenching tale, cuz for Billy Corgan, it just keeps happening again and again and again; except THIS TIME Billy is turning to YOU, oh devoted fan(s), to join his charade and mend his broken band.

Soooo, the daunting question on board is….wana be a part of a has-been rock band that will probably never amount to much more than small gigs in dark, hole-in-the-wall bars?…. well, if that’s your calling, then here’s your chance to be a steward for Billy Corgan’s moonstruck agenda!

Send your vids and demos here, if you dare: or by March 31st.

In all fairness, I don’t really think Corgan’s narcissism is to blame for the latest member of his band flying the coop.  In fact, bassist Ginger Reyes claims that.. “Although (she’s) been blessed beyond belief over the past few years through playing with the Pumpkins , (her) priority now is to keep (her) little family unit together, which includes (her) husband and baby.”

Perhaps that’s just code for “I can’t deal with this dude’s ego any more!”, BUT, who’s to say, despite maybe The Mentalist??

In truth, for ANY aspiring musician this could be a really EXCELLENT opportunity, even if it may promise to break you psychologically over an extended period of time.  MY advice?  Don’t quit your day job.

Tron Legacy: Daft Punk recording tracks for “The Dude”

Posted in Celebrities, Current Events, Cyberspace, Movies, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Sick of dressing up like a robot every weekend and running through large crowds of people trying to freak them out? Well, stop a pedestrian and ask them to press the ‘cool down’ button on your control panel cuz you’re all getting what you want for Christmas this year: TRON Legacy!

Yep, it’s been a long time since that groundbreaking day in 1982, but TRON will be back making it’s return to theaters December 17th, 2010..  While December may seem like far too long for any hardcore cult movie superfan, tech-geek, gamer, or Jeff Bridges fanatic to have to wait, it’ll be here faster than that Mathlete you hired to find the square root of your apartment.

As for those of you who risked your lives this weekend braving theaters to see Disney’s imaginative and dark 3D blockbuster Alice in Wonderland, you probably had to get up and wipe your seat a couple times after the preview reel unveiled a special TRON Legacy sneak peak!
Yes, fortunately for TRON junkies, it seems that Disney has answered all your secret prayers.
Properly acknowledging that TRON 2.0– the first person shooter game included in the 2003 20th Anniversary Edition of the original-was hardly enough to pass muster with die-hard fans, Disney has thus collaborated with titan screenwriters Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis (LOST) for TRON Legacy to give devotees the kind of sequel pizzaz they’re looking for!

In fact, Disney Digital 3D seems to have some pretty groovy projects stuffed up their sleeves as of late, and if they can pull it off, TRON Legacy could very well be at the pinnacle of all that hullabaloo.  So, if you’re even half as nerdy as I am, you best hold onto your bike helmet and strap on your knee and elbow pads, cuz not only is everyone’s favorite Dude– Jeff Bridges -going to abide and give you a violent mindgasm, but if you like the sound of sexy robots mating, then French electronic super-duo Daft Punk will also be composing 24 titillating tracks for the film’s musical score… just one more reason not to sack France.

Don’t like the sound of Digital Love? Well, then TRON also has the extremely aesthetically charming Olivia Wilde !!  That girl’s face is enough to sink a fleet of ships, and I’m pretty sure watching her overcome the trials and tribulations of cyberspace will be a nice change for those of you who are accustomed to looking up pictures of her online with a convenient stash of kleenex, lubricant and warming massage oils on your desktop…

As for me… I’m guna be counting down the days to December 17th with robotic control.
All I ask of Disney is PLEASE include a scene in which a flock of birds get sucked into the lightcycle engines. Yeeeah, it doesn’t make any sense, but here’s hoping they’re endangered….

Gorillaz’s “Plastic Beach”: Will Del Ghost Rap out of Russel’s Head?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2010 by attemptedmustache

The Gorillaz‘ ever so anticipated album Plastic Beach is on sale March 8th (and 9th in the US), and I’ve been wetting my seat ever since the first uttering that they’d be returning with a 3rd album.  So what can we expect from 2D, Murdoc, Noodle and Russell?  Bruce Willis in a vague, nonspecific car chase with probably no shoes on? You betcha!

While Damon Albarn and crew are certain to please with a lyrical hodge-podge of artists all stuffed into Plastic Beach’s album cast, it will be interesting to see how fluid the tracks are and whether or not it will hold up to the high expectations fathered by the International success of the Gorillaz’ debut and sophomore albums.

Though it is unlikely we’ll be storing up our psychedelic mushrooms in anticipation of a possible return of “the fluency with rhyming ingenuity” of the oh so talented Del The Funkee Homosapian, the album WILL sport appearances by the likes of Lou Reed, Mick Jones (The Clash), Paul Simonon (The Clash/The Good, The Bad, and The Queen) Mos Def, Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), De La Soul, Little Dragon, Snoop Dogg, The Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Mark E. Smith (The Fall) and singer/songwriter/musician Bobby Womack, which is certain to please even critics and pretentious hipsters with the stickest filters.

But, if you’re not into good music, and feel like spending money on something that is more likely to cause your eyes to vomit and your penis to push the ‘ejector’ button shooting itself deep into your rectum faster than you can say ‘Broomhilda’… well, then Lindsay Lohan is writing a book, and let’s be honest here, it’s probably about that goat she blew when she was high on hillbilly heroin.  No no no, seriously, Lindsay’s changed, I’m sure everything we ever needed to know about LiLo will be spelled out for us in the books dedication:
“For Cocaine, cuz you’re one hell of a drug.”

For more info on what to expect from the Gorillaz in the next week, go see the big kids at Stereogum for details!

Macbook Awareness: Don’t Get Burned!

Posted in Technology with tags , , , , , , on March 3, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Apple Products are some of the highest quality and most sought after in the in the Imaging and Electronic Marketplace.  But, while MacBook owners and fans alike are keenly aware of the superior quality, design and speed of the machines they’ve purchased and admire, there are a few things about the way MacBooks operate that they are unlikely to be aware of….

One of pristine importance is something that is apparently alluded to in the owners manual… but fails to be common knowledge among the majority of MacBook users, and that is how DANGEROUS they are!

Yep, I’m sure when you think of all the things in your home that could be hazordous to your health, your MacBook probably doesn’t even register as a ‘yellow’, let alone ‘red’, but MacBooks have proven to be quite dangerous to their owners, their owner’s families, and their homes.

For instance, ever notice how your Macbook heats up when in use?  Ever touched the adaptor while the computer is running and thought to yourself “I could fry an egg on this thing”? Well in some MacBooks this defect can be quite severe, and can, if left unattended, cause personal harm…. not to mention set your bed on fire, your home… your dog.  Truth be told, MacBooks provide their owners with a bona fide danger buffet!

According to

“The exterior of the MacBook Pro’s casing has been documented by a laser temperature gauge to hit 142 degrees farenheit, or 61 degrees celcius. According to standard burn safety protection measures, a 3rd degree burn can occur after only 5 seconds of exposure to 140 degree heat!”

Speaking as one of the individuals who received a 3rd Degree burn from their Macbook, I can certainly attest to the danger that comes part and parcel with owning and running a MacBook.  Whether you occasionally leave your Macbook unattended, run it on a softer surface, place it on your lap while in use, or have been previously unaware of the extreme temperatures the adaptor can reach if not placed on a hard surface, you’re at risk for a MacBook catastrophe.

While on vacation in Hawaii I fell asleep while watching DVDS of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” on my MacBook, and the adaptor, which was placed adjacent to my left arm, burned me in my sleep:

Certainly ruined my surfing potential throughout my vacation…

To Apple’s credit, they do apparently warn in their owners manual about the ability of Macbooks to heat up if not placed on a hard, flat surface, but this information is not as accessible as it should be to Mac users, as we are all AWARE not everyone takes the time to read the owners manual thoroughly.

Not to mention, AppleCare Customer Service will take no responsibility, concern, or even sympathy for the physical defects and disfiguration their computers may cause you.  In fact, instead of rectifying the situation, they are more likely to respond with a snappy “It says it in the owners manual, so tough luck” kind of attitude, as they did when I spoke with them.  Not what I’d expect from a company who makes billions of dollars off users like you and I, but apparently when you get to be as big as Apple, the little people who got you there don’t matter to you anymore.

Despite all this AppleCare immorality, I still use my MacBook, and love it dearly, but unfortunately I am reminded of my tumultous relationship with my Mac every time I look at the bizarrely shaped scar on my left arm (think MULVA and you’ll know what it looks like).

So this has been my cautionary tale to MacBook users- now go forth and be prosperous and scar free.

Once upon a time.. a Pink Leopard Slipped into a Dark, Wet Cave

Posted in Culture, Everyday, Random with tags , , , , , on March 2, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Is ‘she’ a man, woman? Does she really put grills on cats? Did she crawl up the rabbit hole and out of Wonderland?

Just when you thought Lady GaGa couldn’t get any more eccentric, illusive and quirky, guess what?! She Can.
You wanna talk trailblazing… Lady GaGa seems to me like a freight train headed straight for uncharted territory half the time, and that’s why I think she’s nifty.  Whether it is her avante-garde fashion, business savvy brain, androgynous appeal, or the manner in which she appears to be able to wield her fame and the music industry like some flame throwing bouncer at a gay bar, I just really think she’s got it going on.

In that sense it seems appropriate that not only does Lady GaGa have it going on, but she’s also trying to get us to PUT IT ON!  And I don’t mean our bras, hair extensions or gold chains; I’m talking condoms.

Yep, those rubbery plastic domes that have been the mortal nemesis of men and women alike for decades are taking a turn for the fancy thanks to GaGa; and if you’re looking to make a fashion statement in the sack, this might be your chance to bare it and wear it.

Need more info?
Lady GaGa and Jeremy Scott have designed a brand of Proper Attire condoms that seem to please the eye, and likely any man banging Paris Hilton as they certainly would blend in with just about every outfit she owns.
But, whether your a trendsetter, fashionista, diva or useless socialite, really anyone who has ever played dirty russian roulette in their own individual versions of  the sexual special olympics ought to buy a few of these… or 100.

Proceeds go to Planned Parenthood, which I think is fantastic, but like any controversial or taboo undertaking, it is probably chalked full of criticism and scrutiny from all angles. Good luck GaGa!
Either way, I think the thought is in the right place here, and I’m sure Custodial Engineers and Waste Collectors abroad will at least appreciate having something a little nicer to look at in the morning… maybe?….

Oh Pemberton, Where Art Thou?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2010 by attemptedmustache

It’s been a couple long years since the Pemberton Festival graced the grounds of the damp British Columbian valley near Whistler, and for everyone that was lucky enough to survive the weekend, we’ve been itching like hounds to get back to that remarkably dusty potato field.

So, what is the 411 as to why this Festival has been missing in action? Was it the farmer? Land permits? Honey Buckets? Was it the disorganization and cost? Live Nation? Tom Cruise? Science? Ecoli Poisoning?

Well, 40,000+ fans are still waiting for some indication as to whether Pemberton will be returning, and I’m sure local officials and Live Nation are sick of hearing about it.

However, just like indigestion after a spicy burrito, things seem to be stirring.  The Forum is under construction, and the Festival site has seen a facelift or two as well in the last few months.  Perhaps this all could be an indication that something is in the works for 2011…. or nothing.

Too soon to shed tears of hope?  Perhaps, but according to Consequence of Sound:

“local officials are continuing their discussions to facilitate a return of Pemberton, seeking to address outstanding items and questions that have apparently been raised by the festival’s producers, Live Nation. In addition to the question of preserving the agricultural capability of the lands, the two sides have been dealing with issues surrounding liquor sales, policing costs, conditions from CN Rail, and some local businesses wanting buyouts over the course of events.”

While Live Nation made the following Statement:

“For the time being, we have put plans to stage the next Pemberton Festival on hold while we work with local officials on issues which will make the festival financially feasible for us. We hope that we will be able to bring back the Festival to Pemberton at some point in the future,”

“Some point in the future” hey? Doesn’t really make me feel like getting on the black market right away and selling my left kidney for a ticket. Live Nation might be beating around a mighty bush at the moment, but I’m certain they’ll come through in the end, potentially after some political hoop jumping.

The question really remains, when we FINALLY see the return of Pemberton, is it going to be the same Festival that brought us the likes of Jay-Z, Coldplay, Dj Shadow, MSTRKRFT, Tom Petty, NIN, Deadmau5, Chromeo, MGMT, The Flaming Lips, Death Cab, and more… ?????
Well, if the 2010 Winter Olympics did for Vancouver and the surrounding area what that dark, greenish sex tape did for Paris Hilton, then I’m pretty sure we’ll see the big groups making like a rolling stone to get their piece of the infamous pie.  I guess I’ll just have to go bowl for strikes in some unkept porta-potties until that time… oh the memories.

Charlie Sheen Gets All the Babes

Posted in Celebrities with tags , , , , , , , on March 1, 2010 by attemptedmustache

So…. when you thought Tommy Lee and Pam were the only ones spreading Hep C to all the C-List, wannabe, has-been Hollywood celebrities, think again.  Charlie Sheen is a catch, ladies and gentlemen, and if his 10 million broken marriages, crack-cocaine addiction, hooker fetish and 20 totaled vehicles lying in the depths of various ravines in the surrounding Los Angelos area aren’t enough of an indicator, well, then I’m not Miles Davis.

Okay, so I don’t know much about Charlie’s sexual prowess, or whether he has Hep C or not- I haven’t given him his monthy swab treatment for a couple years now, not since I broke out in a full body rash after the last one anyways.   However, I am willing to wage my one remaining good ovary on the charge that he is a high candidate for venereal disease, scabbies, or worms that he likely acquired from having sex with dead animals in dark alleys next to large metal dumpsters filled with dead baby fetuses.

But, all this aside, what any rational human could divulge from his rap-sheet of misdemeanors and social missteps is that that any woman that would date this shining example of a human being is definitely a lady of divine providence (*cough* lady of the night *cough*).  Yeah, I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of woman that would date such a man, and I’ve decided that aside from the obvious.. Courtney Love… well, they must have to be a masochist of some extreme variety.

Basically, the kind of woman that likes a “Charlie Sheen” is the kind of woman that likes molten hot spare change and razor blades thrown at her exposed lady bits while she does a naked yoga stretch to Ace of Base’s “I Saw The Sign” at 400am after a night of binge drinking.  I just don’t get how this guy gets laid… other than the obvious ‘pay for it’ through Heidi Fleiss solution…

I guess the moral of the story goes… to all you ladies looking for a shitty man with a bad attitude and a zest for ruining his life and the lives of those around him, don’t go for Charlie Sheen, for god’s sake, just marry a dentist or something.

Sasquatch! Festival 2010- Headlinerlesstastic

Posted in Music, Music Festivals with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Looking at the Sasquatch! Festival lineup this year is kinda like  sucking on a sour soother for me: a part of me is tasting the rainbow, and another part of me is doing the cobra yawn and gleeking all over the place.

Let’s be real here, Sasquatch! has nothing to prove; it is one of the sexiest festivals around (perhaps THE sexiest, in my opinion), and is consequently the wet dream of respectable indie kids, hipsters, scenesters,  and trendy liberal music junkies alike.  Truth is, Sasquatch! is for anyone who likes groovy beats, ’cause the sky is the limit if you’re there to have a no-holds-barred good time.  Better yet, if you like dunes, the Gorge Amphitheatre-situated on the Columbia River in Washington State-is quite possibly the highest quality in dunes, and truly a sight to behold… even after a couple cases of choice lager consumed at ridiculously balmy temperatures.

But, if heat stroke isn’t your thing, there is always the music, and though I hate to complain, the lineup is a little lack-lustre in just FEW areas:

Most specifically, HEADLINERS:  Pavement, Massive Attack, and My Morning Jacket.
Part of what makes Sasquatch! as gnar as it is is the fact that it applies to multiple genres… but I still have to shudder uncomfortably when I see Pavement headlining.
In fact, with the exception of Massive Attack, I honestly don’t see any of these acts as ‘Headliner’ material… especially when paired against the somewhat daunting Coachella and Bonnaroo lineups, which are pretty much enough to dampen even the most respectable gentleman’s rag.

The truth is though, there needs to be a little Pavement in everyone’s Festival of choice, and even heavy hitters like Coachella and Roskilde have included them in their lineups.

So, if you’re like me, and seeing Pavement is the equivalent of getting peppermint castile soap in your naughty place when you’re just trying to get clean, do not fear because Sasquatch! still has enough jam to please: LCD Soundsystem, Deadmau5, Vampire Weekend, Miike Snow, Boyz Noize, Kid Cudi, Booka Shade, Band of Horses, The National, Public Enemy, Passion Pit,  Neon Indian, She & Him (Zoey Deschanel!!), The Mountain Goats, Caribou, Broken Social Scene, Drive-By Truckers, and it goes on…

So, do yourselves a favor, get snappy and buy your tickets on the super-fly before they get expensive!  And look for me, I’ll be the one holding the Ultimate Party Force Banner trying to find my way around a disco ball.

Over and out.

Official Lineup:

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Sportiness = Godliness

Posted in Current Events, Sports, Television, World with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Vancouver has been shooting out bursts of orgasmic Olympic pride around the clock for the last 2 weeks, and boy is it hard not to get caught up in the commotion.  In fact, I’m starting to feel like I’m the latest star of an Activia yogurt commercial, and I’m really getting off on what I’m consuming… or, something of that nature.
But if the Olympics continue for Canada the way they have been for the last two weeks, not only is the greater Vancouver area going to be run-over with a careless slew of freely spread STDs and STIs, but I think just about every other person is going to start sympathizing more and more with the woman who can’t stop orgasming.

However, all this blatant Nationalism could be seen as more problematic than the curious genital rash acquired after a weekend of hard partying.  As Canadians, should we concerned that our polite (snobbish?) International image is going to be tarnished by this blatant, and potentially arrogant parade of National pride?
Probably not. I’d say much like the genital rash, it will be short lived, and unlikely to reoccur for at least another couple years.  Im happy to incur then that we’re just really proud to be Canadian, and it’s about time it showed in more than just the quality of our bacon and homemade bongs.

What all this round-the-clock Olympic insanity really leaves me to ponder is how come we get off so much on sport?!

Whether you just jizzed in your pants consuming the games via the BIGGEST phallic shaped television the technological world has yet to conceive , or whether you’re just out there doing it the organic way, what is it about athletic competition that gets us all so revved up?  Why are we sport fanatics?  Is it all just endorphins? Jockstraps? Spandex?

Sport has a long history, and it takes up a curious space in contemporary society.  Whether you focus on the manner in which American Football resembles tactics of ancient warfare, the changes brought about by the introduction of performance enhancing drugs, or the slow and somewhat arduous battle of women in their necessary crusade to join the sporting arena, one has to stop and think about the way sport has evolved, what it means for us today, and how it continues to mimic some of humankind’s most time honored traditions and ideals.

There is something truly remarkable and inspiring that happens while witnessing the Olympic spectacle and our amazing athletes as they overcome fear, adversity, pain, and defeat, often at their own physical peril.  But therein lies the rub…

As North Americans, we want our athletes like we want our pick-up trucks–bigger, stronger, faster–and more and more we see athletes teetering on that thin line that exists between disaster and fame, pushing themselves to extremes, often subverting what we commonly acknowledge as the natural physical limitations of human body.  We chastise athletes for their use of steroids, and other performance enhancing drugs, but we still expect them to perform superhuman feats with relative ease.

Some people suggest that Sport has taken the ultimate place in the forefront of all of our psyche, and is in many ways the new ‘religion’ of modern cultures; ‘the opium of the masses’, if you will, distracting us from the disenchanted reality of our daily lives.
So then… are we all just worshipping false idols?

I suppose it would take the authentic knowledge of a high performance athlete to truly know wherein the risks and the pitfalls lie, and what it’s all worth in the end… but it is MY responsibility as a voyeur to be conscientious before my ritual viewing, and actively watch sport from a place of objectivity.
It’s one thing to ride the thunderlightning like Macbeth and cheer on those dirty goals, but I have to quote M.J. when I say no man nor athlete can always be faithful, nor walk when not able, and fight to the end, cuz we’re only human.

Did Someone Say Purple Rain?

Posted in Music Festivals with tags , , , , , on April 9, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Yep… all you die hard Prince fans out there, today is your day…well, if you’re going to the Coachella Valley Music Festival anyways. As rumored, as denied, and as revived from the dead once again, Prince WILL BE performing at the Coachella Festival.

I think even the most suspicious of bloggers fans had their doubts that he might actually join the roster. But with all the roused suspicion and publicity, hindsight might have just been blatantly telling us we were right all along. OF COURSE HE WAS GONNA BE THERE!! duh!

Today Coachella announced and confirmed his addition:

“Prince has joined this year’s line-up for the ninth COACHELLA VALLEY MUSIC & ARTS FESTIVAL at the Empire Polo Field in Indio, CA (Friday, April 25, Saturday, April 26 and Sunday, April 27) as the headliner for the second night of the critically acclaimed festival.”

And you know, its about time… cuz I was starting to forget that there actually was a Coachella Festival this year… it has fallen right off the radar over the last little while.

Keep up the good additions Coachella, and maybe next year I won’t cheat on you with Pemberton and Lollapalooza.

For more info on the specifics of the 2008 Coachella Festival click HERE!