Archive for Paris Hilton

Once upon a time.. a Pink Leopard Slipped into a Dark, Wet Cave

Posted in Culture, Everyday, Random with tags , , , , , on March 2, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Is ‘she’ a man, woman? Does she really put grills on cats? Did she crawl up the rabbit hole and out of Wonderland?

Just when you thought Lady GaGa couldn’t get any more eccentric, illusive and quirky, guess what?! She Can.
You wanna talk trailblazing… Lady GaGa seems to me like a freight train headed straight for uncharted territory half the time, and that’s why I think she’s nifty.  Whether it is her avante-garde fashion, business savvy brain, androgynous appeal, or the manner in which she appears to be able to wield her fame and the music industry like some flame throwing bouncer at a gay bar, I just really think she’s got it going on.

In that sense it seems appropriate that not only does Lady GaGa have it going on, but she’s also trying to get us to PUT IT ON!  And I don’t mean our bras, hair extensions or gold chains; I’m talking condoms.

Yep, those rubbery plastic domes that have been the mortal nemesis of men and women alike for decades are taking a turn for the fancy thanks to GaGa; and if you’re looking to make a fashion statement in the sack, this might be your chance to bare it and wear it.

Need more info?
Lady GaGa and Jeremy Scott have designed a brand of Proper Attire condoms that seem to please the eye, and likely any man banging Paris Hilton as they certainly would blend in with just about every outfit she owns.
But, whether your a trendsetter, fashionista, diva or useless socialite, really anyone who has ever played dirty russian roulette in their own individual versions of  the sexual special olympics ought to buy a few of these… or 100.

Proceeds go to Planned Parenthood, which I think is fantastic, but like any controversial or taboo undertaking, it is probably chalked full of criticism and scrutiny from all angles. Good luck GaGa!
Either way, I think the thought is in the right place here, and I’m sure Custodial Engineers and Waste Collectors abroad will at least appreciate having something a little nicer to look at in the morning… maybe?….

Frances Bean Cobain has already surpassed her mother, yep, she can SPEAK!

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2008 by attemptedmustache

So has time gone screwy, or am I just getting old?
Yep, I’m old… and so is Frances Bean Cobain… 15 years if you’ll believe it!! Which is remarkable, considering in my minds eye, she’s still about 7 years old, and I’m still 18… haven’t aged a day. nope.

So, other than working on her modeling career, and clearly wearing pajamas for a living, the miniature Cobain is also giving the press the old F.O!

According to Music News:

“Appearing in Harper’s Bazaar spread, Frances, Bean spoke of her hopes and plans for the future and insisted “I’m not my parents”.

Speaking about the public’s interest in her life, she explained: “These people are fascinated by me, but I haven’t done anything.”

“If you’re a big Nirvana fan, or a big Hole fan, then I understand why you would want to get to know me, but I’m not my parents.” “People need to wait until I’ve done something valid with my life”, said Cobain, who is considering a career in the media as a journalist or photographer.”

So how about that? Ms. Cobain seems pretty grounded… which, when you consider the events leading up to this point in her life, seems kinda miraculous.

Personally, I’ll just let her enjoy these last few years before the Paris’ and the Britney’s get a hold of her… then I guess we can start adding a candle for every extra D.U.I., fake British accent and stint in rehab. Well… lets hope not!

But for now… I hope she’ll just give me those shoes.

Why does the British Royal Family Live So Long? Inbreeding, of course!

Posted in Culture, World with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Wow… so I guess if you think your cousin is hot, this is REALLY good news for you!

We humans have searched every part of the globe looking for that one true ‘fountain of youth’, the ‘holy grail’ that promotes eternal life, the eye cream made out of dolphin uterus’ that just won’t let us die. Like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade, or Posh Spice from outer space (that’s not really fair, everyone knows Posh Spice is an earthly mutant–Long Live Scientology!) longevity seems better than any prize, it means outliving our worst enemies; whether that be the Nazis or Paris Hilton, that’s totally up to you.

But surprise surprise, little did we know, the ticket to eternal youth was right within our reach all along; maybe even in our own HOME!!

What is it?!

Our gene pool, of course!

Yep, start throwing away those prophylactics and start getting cozy with your hot cousin, cuz according to ‘New Scientist’, Giuseppe Passarino of the University of Calabria in Rende Italy says incest is AWESOME!
I mean, leave it to the Italians to think up a way to regularize totally unconventional sexual behaviors, they’ve got a LONG history that needs representing. REPRESENT!
And I guess if you’re living in the southern United States or a Mormon polygamist compound, you better start saying a prayer in thanks to these witty wop geniuses.
-Wow, this has officially become my most politically incorrect blog post yet!


Giuseppe Passarino stated: “Everyone knows inbreeding is bad – it increases your chances of catching a range of diseases. But on the other hand our study suggests if inbreds don’t get those diseases when they’re young they might have a better chance of long life.” HEZZAH to the human zygote!!

“Passarino and his colleagues used census data to identify a geographically isolated region of southern Italy with more than its fair share of male nonagerians (People in their 90s). When the team looked at the local phone book, they found many people in the region shared the same surname, suggesting marriage between related individuals was common.”

For more details: CLICK!

So there it is, the secret to why the British Royal Family, rich aristocrats and the Osmonds live annoyingly long lives… generations and generations of inbreeding. ‘Blue Blood‘–>Incest

I’ve got one question though, has anyone ever done a study on what inbreeding does to your teeth?

Felony, or Bullshit?

Posted in Current Events with tags , , , , , , , on January 16, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Definitely a potential mustache.

I’ve spent about a week in complete awe of the situation concerning Olympic sprinter Marion Jones, so forgive me for being behind the headlines. But what the f*#%!?

I just don’t get it… no, not the lying to congress part, I get that THAT is a felony. What I don’t understand is how a woman who injured no one –except maybe herself and the pride of every other pill-popping athlete out there, aka: all of them– is going to jail for !!6months!! for using “performance-enhancing drugs”(duh!).

Yet, Hollywood D-lister and low-life socialite Nicole Richie can get stoned on Vicodin and pot, drive down the wrong side of a California Freeway endangering the lives of many people, and face barely any jail time whatsoever?!

Or Lindsay Lohan can get high on blow and plow her car into a nearby tree (thankfully), flee the scene, and then face little to no jail time?! A talented actress nonetheless, but PlllEase! I didn’t think the law bended that easily.

Paris Hilton! She should just go to jail for being completely the void of talent and a complete waste of space, let alone the list of felonies she’s gotten away with.

I won’t hack on Britney Spears, but I’m mentioning her as well here.

Hollywood stars get away with MURDER. And what does this giant contradiction here tell us?!

That we put immense pressure on athletes to be role models?

That we expect athletes to attain some level of super-human strength that isn’t physically possible?

That we don’t acknowledge that virtually all of paid athletes have chemists that they pay to manipulate their blood chemistry so ‘performance enhancing drugs’ aren’t detected during blood tests?

Paid athletisicm, especially in the United States, glorifies an unrealistic ideal of human physicality, strength, speed and agility. Yet we harpoon athletes for comforming to the demands of society by taking ‘performance enhancing drugs’ in order to meet those goals. Higher, faster, stronger… right?

I think instead of chastising athletes like Marion Jones, we should (as one of my Professor’s stated) be drawing our attention more closely to some of the ‘dirty secrets that underpin paid athleticism’, instead of getting pissed off and incarcerating those individuals who inadvertently expose them.