Archive for the World Category

Sportiness = Godliness

Posted in Current Events, Sports, Television, World with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Vancouver has been shooting out bursts of orgasmic Olympic pride around the clock for the last 2 weeks, and boy is it hard not to get caught up in the commotion.  In fact, I’m starting to feel like I’m the latest star of an Activia yogurt commercial, and I’m really getting off on what I’m consuming… or, something of that nature.
But if the Olympics continue for Canada the way they have been for the last two weeks, not only is the greater Vancouver area going to be run-over with a careless slew of freely spread STDs and STIs, but I think just about every other person is going to start sympathizing more and more with the woman who can’t stop orgasming.

However, all this blatant Nationalism could be seen as more problematic than the curious genital rash acquired after a weekend of hard partying.  As Canadians, should we concerned that our polite (snobbish?) International image is going to be tarnished by this blatant, and potentially arrogant parade of National pride?
Probably not. I’d say much like the genital rash, it will be short lived, and unlikely to reoccur for at least another couple years.  Im happy to incur then that we’re just really proud to be Canadian, and it’s about time it showed in more than just the quality of our bacon and homemade bongs.

What all this round-the-clock Olympic insanity really leaves me to ponder is how come we get off so much on sport?!

Whether you just jizzed in your pants consuming the games via the BIGGEST phallic shaped television the technological world has yet to conceive , or whether you’re just out there doing it the organic way, what is it about athletic competition that gets us all so revved up?  Why are we sport fanatics?  Is it all just endorphins? Jockstraps? Spandex?

Sport has a long history, and it takes up a curious space in contemporary society.  Whether you focus on the manner in which American Football resembles tactics of ancient warfare, the changes brought about by the introduction of performance enhancing drugs, or the slow and somewhat arduous battle of women in their necessary crusade to join the sporting arena, one has to stop and think about the way sport has evolved, what it means for us today, and how it continues to mimic some of humankind’s most time honored traditions and ideals.

There is something truly remarkable and inspiring that happens while witnessing the Olympic spectacle and our amazing athletes as they overcome fear, adversity, pain, and defeat, often at their own physical peril.  But therein lies the rub…

As North Americans, we want our athletes like we want our pick-up trucks–bigger, stronger, faster–and more and more we see athletes teetering on that thin line that exists between disaster and fame, pushing themselves to extremes, often subverting what we commonly acknowledge as the natural physical limitations of human body.  We chastise athletes for their use of steroids, and other performance enhancing drugs, but we still expect them to perform superhuman feats with relative ease.

Some people suggest that Sport has taken the ultimate place in the forefront of all of our psyche, and is in many ways the new ‘religion’ of modern cultures; ‘the opium of the masses’, if you will, distracting us from the disenchanted reality of our daily lives.
So then… are we all just worshipping false idols?

I suppose it would take the authentic knowledge of a high performance athlete to truly know wherein the risks and the pitfalls lie, and what it’s all worth in the end… but it is MY responsibility as a voyeur to be conscientious before my ritual viewing, and actively watch sport from a place of objectivity.
It’s one thing to ride the thunderlightning like Macbeth and cheer on those dirty goals, but I have to quote M.J. when I say no man nor athlete can always be faithful, nor walk when not able, and fight to the end, cuz we’re only human.


Beijing Olympics-‘Don’t Rain on MY Parade!”

Posted in World with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2008 by attemptedmustache

SAY WHAT?!! Rain prohibited at the Olympics?!
Wow! What will they ban next?!! Performance Enhancing Drugs? hahahah, that’d be a first.

Yeah, so I guess the Olympic Committee decided after all not to pass on my proposal to build a giant force-field around the city of Beijing. Too costly? Doesn’t bind the galaxy and all living things together enough? Doesn’t give a Jedi his powers?! hmph… playing hard to get, I see, I see.
Well, who am I to tell them that they’re wrong? I mean, the field of power only serves those who are worthy, and how should they know how I’ve totally mastered the keen art of the ’10 second rule’: aka: magical forcefield I create to protect food for 10 seconds when dropped on the ground, garbage, dirt…you name it! No siree.
I know what you’re thinking, and I think it too: those guys are JERKS!
The Force is such a burden.

Anyways, according to the Los Angeles Times the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing have officially become the guinea pig for human ‘weather modification’; i.e., meteorologist tested ‘rain mitigation’.
(aka: man conquering over nature–which we’ve learned so MANY times in the past works like a damn charm).

“Cloud-seeding is a relatively well-known practice that involves shooting various substances into clouds, such as silver iodide, salts and dry ice, that bring on the formation of larger raindrops, triggering a downpour. But Chinese scientists believe they have perfected a technique that reduces the size of the raindrops, delaying the rain until the clouds move on. The weather modification would be used only on a small area, opening what would be in effect a meteorological umbrella over the 91,000-seat Olympic stadium. The $400-million stadium, nicknamed the “bird’s nest” for its interlacing steel beams, has no roof.”

What will they think of next?! Ways to create acid rain over the cities of the countries we hate? Snow storms on days we just REALLY don’t feel like going to work? Lightning bolt shocks as punishment for petty crimes? A REAL pot of gold at the end of every rainbow? (Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road)

Well that’d be real nice wouldn’t it? But I’ve just got one thing to say to all of you:


Sing it Barbara:

Why does the British Royal Family Live So Long? Inbreeding, of course!

Posted in Culture, World with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Wow… so I guess if you think your cousin is hot, this is REALLY good news for you!

We humans have searched every part of the globe looking for that one true ‘fountain of youth’, the ‘holy grail’ that promotes eternal life, the eye cream made out of dolphin uterus’ that just won’t let us die. Like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade, or Posh Spice from outer space (that’s not really fair, everyone knows Posh Spice is an earthly mutant–Long Live Scientology!) longevity seems better than any prize, it means outliving our worst enemies; whether that be the Nazis or Paris Hilton, that’s totally up to you.

But surprise surprise, little did we know, the ticket to eternal youth was right within our reach all along; maybe even in our own HOME!!

What is it?!

Our gene pool, of course!

Yep, start throwing away those prophylactics and start getting cozy with your hot cousin, cuz according to ‘New Scientist’, Giuseppe Passarino of the University of Calabria in Rende Italy says incest is AWESOME!
I mean, leave it to the Italians to think up a way to regularize totally unconventional sexual behaviors, they’ve got a LONG history that needs representing. REPRESENT!
And I guess if you’re living in the southern United States or a Mormon polygamist compound, you better start saying a prayer in thanks to these witty wop geniuses.
-Wow, this has officially become my most politically incorrect blog post yet!


Giuseppe Passarino stated: “Everyone knows inbreeding is bad – it increases your chances of catching a range of diseases. But on the other hand our study suggests if inbreds don’t get those diseases when they’re young they might have a better chance of long life.” HEZZAH to the human zygote!!

“Passarino and his colleagues used census data to identify a geographically isolated region of southern Italy with more than its fair share of male nonagerians (People in their 90s). When the team looked at the local phone book, they found many people in the region shared the same surname, suggesting marriage between related individuals was common.”

For more details: CLICK!

So there it is, the secret to why the British Royal Family, rich aristocrats and the Osmonds live annoyingly long lives… generations and generations of inbreeding. ‘Blue Blood‘–>Incest

I’ve got one question though, has anyone ever done a study on what inbreeding does to your teeth?

Blur for Blow

Posted in Music, World with tags , , , , , , on January 24, 2008 by attemptedmustache

So I guess Rick James isn’t the only celebrity out there willing to publicly admit that cocaine is ‘one hell of a drug’.

Apparently Alex James (‘James’!! Coincidence… I think not!!), bass player for British band ‘Blur’, is expected to present an edition of ‘Panorama’ next week on the Columbian cocaine trade, according to

Yes, any human with half an inkling of a social consciousness knows that cocaine IS the rich man’s aspirin, and as a bonus it even doubles as the powdered equivalent of liquid Draino, for your nose; ‘it’s just sooo clean’.
Soooo, with this in mind, Alex James was DEFINITELY a perfect candidate for President Alvaro Uribe to invite to the country to investigate the cocaine trade. Rumor has it that Uribe simultaneously solved a magical rubik’s cube when the idea to invite James occurred to him.

But seriously, who knows cocaine and the drug trade better than celebrities? They know about as much about cocaine as I do about coffee (Columbian connection!), or at least they’ve ingested enough over the years to be crazy enough to think they do. On second thought, who knows more about anything to do with anything than celebrities? I mean, I could have thought of no BETTER suited person than Alex James to go to Columbia to investigate the drug wars, interview farmers, sellers and enforcers… not even Angelina Jolie… I have bigger plans for her, as the next Jesus, of course.

Nope, definitely couldn’t think of anyone more appropriate …

*cough* Experts in the Field *cough* Narcotics Expert *cough* Drug Trafficking Expert *cough*

Though… the jury is still out on whether or not I’d even consider Alex James a ‘celebrity’ per say; though I hear he makes a really half decent cheese… I DO like cheese.

And speaking of deviated septums, I wonder what Lindsay Lohan thinks about being overlooked for this project? Lindsay, you were MY first choice!