Archive for the Television Category

Sportiness = Godliness

Posted in Current Events, Sports, Television, World with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2010 by attemptedmustache

Vancouver has been shooting out bursts of orgasmic Olympic pride around the clock for the last 2 weeks, and boy is it hard not to get caught up in the commotion.  In fact, I’m starting to feel like I’m the latest star of an Activia yogurt commercial, and I’m really getting off on what I’m consuming… or, something of that nature.
But if the Olympics continue for Canada the way they have been for the last two weeks, not only is the greater Vancouver area going to be run-over with a careless slew of freely spread STDs and STIs, but I think just about every other person is going to start sympathizing more and more with the woman who can’t stop orgasming.

However, all this blatant Nationalism could be seen as more problematic than the curious genital rash acquired after a weekend of hard partying.  As Canadians, should we concerned that our polite (snobbish?) International image is going to be tarnished by this blatant, and potentially arrogant parade of National pride?
Probably not. I’d say much like the genital rash, it will be short lived, and unlikely to reoccur for at least another couple years.  Im happy to incur then that we’re just really proud to be Canadian, and it’s about time it showed in more than just the quality of our bacon and homemade bongs.

What all this round-the-clock Olympic insanity really leaves me to ponder is how come we get off so much on sport?!

Whether you just jizzed in your pants consuming the games via the BIGGEST phallic shaped television the technological world has yet to conceive , or whether you’re just out there doing it the organic way, what is it about athletic competition that gets us all so revved up?  Why are we sport fanatics?  Is it all just endorphins? Jockstraps? Spandex?

Sport has a long history, and it takes up a curious space in contemporary society.  Whether you focus on the manner in which American Football resembles tactics of ancient warfare, the changes brought about by the introduction of performance enhancing drugs, or the slow and somewhat arduous battle of women in their necessary crusade to join the sporting arena, one has to stop and think about the way sport has evolved, what it means for us today, and how it continues to mimic some of humankind’s most time honored traditions and ideals.

There is something truly remarkable and inspiring that happens while witnessing the Olympic spectacle and our amazing athletes as they overcome fear, adversity, pain, and defeat, often at their own physical peril.  But therein lies the rub…

As North Americans, we want our athletes like we want our pick-up trucks–bigger, stronger, faster–and more and more we see athletes teetering on that thin line that exists between disaster and fame, pushing themselves to extremes, often subverting what we commonly acknowledge as the natural physical limitations of human body.  We chastise athletes for their use of steroids, and other performance enhancing drugs, but we still expect them to perform superhuman feats with relative ease.

Some people suggest that Sport has taken the ultimate place in the forefront of all of our psyche, and is in many ways the new ‘religion’ of modern cultures; ‘the opium of the masses’, if you will, distracting us from the disenchanted reality of our daily lives.
So then… are we all just worshipping false idols?

I suppose it would take the authentic knowledge of a high performance athlete to truly know wherein the risks and the pitfalls lie, and what it’s all worth in the end… but it is MY responsibility as a voyeur to be conscientious before my ritual viewing, and actively watch sport from a place of objectivity.
It’s one thing to ride the thunderlightning like Macbeth and cheer on those dirty goals, but I have to quote M.J. when I say no man nor athlete can always be faithful, nor walk when not able, and fight to the end, cuz we’re only human.

How I Met Your Baby’s Mama?

Posted in Britney Spears, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Well, seems that Britney Spears might still have a shot at making it to hillbilly heaven after all. Yep, she’s been slotted to return to the small screen on the CBS hit television series “How I Met Your Mother”. And if you haven’t heard of the show before, or seen it with your own eyes… it’s actually a REALLY good show. So… it’s kinda shocking that they’re taking the Britney risk… Though it’s certain to get them a herpies outbreak on set, I do believe it is ratings they’re after, or perhaps a swarm of paparazzo douchebags on their lawn to target with tanks, and projectile missiles.

According to Pink is the New Blog :

Britney showed up at the FOX Studios lot this morning with only her agent in tow to sit down with the cast of the show for the episode read-thru. I’m told she was “really funny”, “very professional” and that the character might become a recurring character on the show. Additionally, most of her scenes are with the Ted Mosby character played by Josh Radnor. This episode of How I Met Your Mother is the third of the new eps that have been written since the show came back from the Writer’s Strike hiatus and since the first new ep airs next week it may air three weeks after that (the week of April 7th).

So, hopefully this move ends up being a a win-win for ‘HIMYM’ and for Britney. ‘HIMYM’ definitely needs a gimmick to get them out of that treacherous ‘bubble’ territory… ‘Bubble’ meaning: the show is about to be given the axe, and producers are devising ideas to try and gain a little ratings momentum. Though Britney seems like the unlikely candidate in offering help to anyone, perhaps she’s getting a little here herself. I mean, Brit’s career could certainly use a little positive momentum. Although she doesn’t seem to have trouble selling albums, everyone knows full well that in her personal life, she’s about 2 mistakes away from diaperville with Ozzy Osborne, and the other brainmelts.

Here’s hoping the pop tartlet and the awesome show don’t hit any nasty detours in this brilliant ratings plot.

Over and out.

The Grammy’s Suck, ‘Plug’ needs Televising

Posted in Music, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Man… why do the Grammy’s even exist when award shows like THIS happen right underneath our noses?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if award shows actually gave merit to exceptional artists? Crazy idea, I know. Instead we get to be bombarded with bullshit exhibitions like the Grammys that celebrate mediocrity, instead of legitimate talent. Yep, the Grammys have become a total scamfest where talentless hacks get awarded for being on MTV of Vh1.

But at least we can rest easy knowing that The Plug Independent Music Awards exist, and that groups like the Arcade Fire ARE getting awarded for being TOTALLY amazing.
(The Arcade Fire was awarded ‘Album of the Year’ for their album NEON BIBLE)

PLUS.. imagine getting to watch performances like these:

Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds, St. Vincent, Dizzee Rascal, José González, The Forms, DiVinci, and guest DJ Sally Shapiro

Sure beats staring at J-Lo’s ass all night, or watching Fergie piss herself on stage for the evening.

For more info on the awards and other winners check peruse through the PLUG Award website.


John Stewart Can Read My Mind!

Posted in Media, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2008 by attemptedmustache

So John Stewart can TOTALLY read my mind… and this little discovery may have led me to much shock and embarrassment if all I was thinking about yesterday was beer, vodka, jalapeno and cheddar potato chips, pizza and sex… but sometimes I do think about other things from time to time.

I have to say, the Oscars would have been a total bore without John Stewart. He is the official remedy to my Oscar success. Normally I come out of every broadcast with a deeper hatred for the Academy than the year before… but this year… well this year I still hate them, but I LOVE John Stewart!! He fills me with that euphoric feeling one might get when they realize that Angelina Jolie is having MORE of Brad Pitt’s children. Hallelujah! (Seriously, I didn’t think they’d even have time to have sex, you know, with all the life saving- do-goodery bullshit, and that field hockey team of children they own at the present time–yeah, I said ‘own’).

Anyways, you’re all thinking “Quit your whining princess, and stop watching the stupid Oscars if you hate them so much”, but it’s something I really can’t turn away from. I love watching the wealthy be more wasteful than conceivably necessary. It’s like a gypsy wearing a tuxedo, while playing the accordion in a Shoppers Drug Mart… I can’t stop staring.
It’s a delicious mind puzzle really…

But John Stewart… oh John. Seriously, it was as though he and I were one person. Every time I became annoyed, miffed, offended or filled with hilarity over some seriously misguided lines, acceptance speech, or…just the super corny, offensive, ridiculous, unnecessary, egoistic skits and segments they forced the audience to endure throughout the broadcast… John was right there to fill in the blank with the MOST appropriate cynicism, sarcasm… or just a ‘look’; it really made for an entertaining evening.

As per the actual Oscars… meh.
I never really find the Academy Awards to be generally a reflection of whats good in the movie industry. I mean, even though I TOTALLY loved Juno, I really didn’t think it should have been up there in the Best of the Best categories. And I mean c’mon… as IF a movie about Teen Pregnancy could win Best Picture… are you kidding me?? Not in America my friend. Now.. a Movie about violence, drug dealing, mayhem, a hunter who stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande, and some crazy lunatic who decides to kill a bunch of people… now THERE’s American family values if I ever saw them!!

I rest my case.

Conan O’Brien is still a Hot Piece of Ass!

Posted in Media, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Just when I was starting to think that Conan had gotten about as boring as a dried up old sandbox filled with cat poop (that might not be boring for some, I admit), he decided to spruce-up and bring the troops in for a little face lift.
No no no, not Max Weinberg, the human drumming machine… though, he is a scene stealer, that little dickens…
Instead, Conan decided to pick a very strategic feud with the very funny Stephen Colbert (the ‘t’ is silent and it stands for Truth) and John Stewart (‘t’ is not silent, stands for ‘t’) over who created Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

So who created Mike Huckabee you might ask? Well, I’m inclined to say his mother, Ms. Huckabee… but you can decide for yourselves:

Watch the clip!

Well, the cheap tricks and the name calling all came to a head this Monday on Late Night, I’ll say.

Conan really couldn’t have done anything more brilliant than to have revitalized his show with the two guys that are making him look like the grumpy old slow-dancing shit on the block. Way to fight for the ratings old red. I think I’m even starting to think he’s hot again.

Though, no one will be as hot as Leno… that hair… that HAIR…

But for now, I will leave you with a shot of another hottie, the President of Finland, Tarja Halonen. Roar! (Don’t worry, I didn’t know Finland had a President either, other than Miikka Kiprusoff, of course)

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Posted in Television with tags , , , on January 10, 2008 by attemptedmustache

Charlie definitely has a mustache…, it doesn’t matter if he spray paints it on. Does it?

Since it’s debut on ‘Showcase’ (the television channel widely renown for soft-core pore late at night), this brilliant Television show has been gaining a little bit more of a following, and so it should. But at the risk of sounding elitist, I don’t want this to turn into another “Arrested Development” debacle where no one watches the show during regular syndication, then the domino effect: no ratings–>show gets kicked off the air–>after it gets kicked off the air people realize show is awesome–>suddenly it’s everyones favorite show–>they even have an application for it on Facebook–>Julia becomes filled with anger and starts curb stomping people… o-kay, so the last part isn’t necessarily true, but there is only so much that one person can take.

Watch the SHOW PEOPLE!!

I’ll give you the gist, it’s essentially about 5 of the worst humans on the planet, and how their lives revolve around Patty’s Pub, a bar that they own. Sound like ‘Cheers’? Well, you’ve got the right idea, but add Danny Devito (and his ridiculous facial expressions and comedic timing), and a whole lot of political incorrectness. Basically, if you’re in love with comedies about morally degenerate people who do absolutely NOTHING during their day but drink then you’re like me, and if you’re like me… this show is for you!

For example, here are some of the titles of the episodes:

“Sweet Dee’s dating a retarded person”
“The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby”
“The gang solves the North Korea situation”
“Frank sets Sweet Dee on Fire”
“Dennis Looks like a Registered Sex Offender”
“The Gang Gets Whacked”
“Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City”
“Charlie Wants An Abortion”
“The Gang Gets Invincible”
“The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo”
“Mac is a Serial Killer”
“Charlie Gets Cancer”
“Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad”
“Dennis and Dee’s Mom is Dead”

And just for the record, Showcase airs probably some of the best television out there right now, yep, it’s like HBO for people who can’t afford the DVDs, who don’t know how to torrent them online, or, just perhaps people who prefer a more humble cable package, like myself.

The clip below is from the “Sweet Dee’s dating a Retarded Person” episode.

Synopsis: After Realizing that Dee’s Rapper boyfriend is ‘retarded’ the gang decides that if HE can make it big, it must be even easier for them to do so. So…the gang starts a band, and Charlie (the illiterate member of the group, the surprising musical talent, and my personal favorite) writes a song called the ‘Nightman’– a champion of the night, who fills you up, etc etc–EXCEPT the song reads more like it’s about a guy getting raped by the Nightman, and strangely liking it. It’s terrible… yet, hilarious. C’mon, have a chuckle.
The following clips included in the video are from the same episode: Charlie and Dennis (the egoistic step-son of Danny Devito) collaborate on a new song called “Day Man” in which the ‘Day Man’ fights off the ‘Night Man’. It’s BRILLIANT!

I’ve attached the lyrics at the bottom of the post, but in general… WATCH THE DAMN SHOW!!!

Day Man:

Day man
Fighter of the Night man
Champion of the sun
You’re a master of karate and friendship…for everyone
Day man, day man
Uhh ahhahh
Fighter of the Night man
Uhh ahhahh
Champion of the sun
Uhh ahhahh
Master of karate and friendship…for everyone
Day man, day man
Uhh ahhahh
Fighter of the Night man
Champion of the sun