John Stewart Can Read My Mind!

So John Stewart can TOTALLY read my mind… and this little discovery may have led me to much shock and embarrassment if all I was thinking about yesterday was beer, vodka, jalapeno and cheddar potato chips, pizza and sex… but sometimes I do think about other things from time to time.

I have to say, the Oscars would have been a total bore without John Stewart. He is the official remedy to my Oscar success. Normally I come out of every broadcast with a deeper hatred for the Academy than the year before… but this year… well this year I still hate them, but I LOVE John Stewart!! He fills me with that euphoric feeling one might get when they realize that Angelina Jolie is having MORE of Brad Pitt’s children. Hallelujah! (Seriously, I didn’t think they’d even have time to have sex, you know, with all the life saving- do-goodery bullshit, and that field hockey team of children they own at the present time–yeah, I said ‘own’).

Anyways, you’re all thinking “Quit your whining princess, and stop watching the stupid Oscars if you hate them so much”, but it’s something I really can’t turn away from. I love watching the wealthy be more wasteful than conceivably necessary. It’s like a gypsy wearing a tuxedo, while playing the accordion in a Shoppers Drug Mart… I can’t stop staring.
It’s a delicious mind puzzle really…

But John Stewart… oh John. Seriously, it was as though he and I were one person. Every time I became annoyed, miffed, offended or filled with hilarity over some seriously misguided lines, acceptance speech, or…just the super corny, offensive, ridiculous, unnecessary, egoistic skits and segments they forced the audience to endure throughout the broadcast… John was right there to fill in the blank with the MOST appropriate cynicism, sarcasm… or just a ‘look’; it really made for an entertaining evening.

As per the actual Oscars… meh.
I never really find the Academy Awards to be generally a reflection of whats good in the movie industry. I mean, even though I TOTALLY loved Juno, I really didn’t think it should have been up there in the Best of the Best categories. And I mean c’mon… as IF a movie about Teen Pregnancy could win Best Picture… are you kidding me?? Not in America my friend. Now.. a Movie about violence, drug dealing, mayhem, a hunter who stumbles upon some dead bodies, a stash of heroin and more than $2 million in cash near the Rio Grande, and some crazy lunatic who decides to kill a bunch of people… now THERE’s American family values if I ever saw them!!

I rest my case.


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